Goal Oriented Parenting

I was at the Golden Canyon trail head (in the Death Valley NP) waiting for some of the group to finish their hike. I was struggling (as is often our wont) to get some food into Arjun (who was a bit under the weather) and Changu asked if I used "goal-oriented" approaches. Which is a fancy name for the "If you eat this, then you can eat that" approach, where "this" is presumably something you want the kid to have while "that" is something the kid would rather have. Changu, of course immediately realized the problem - Arjun doesn't really have a "that." Even so, I replied that we try to avoid doing that. The one parenting class I attended stressed how providing additional food as an incentive to consuming food could lead to problems. Another point (which still makes a lot of sense) is to never link two things that are not really related. This food thing itself is a good example: if the kid is not eating because they are not hungry or interested in eating, providing access to some other food is not a great incentive. Another common example is "If you don't finish your lunch, we can't go to the park in the evening." (All my examples tend to be eating related for obvious reasons.) The eating has nothing to do with going to the park. Child psychologists tell us that such linkage will only cause the kid to think of the desired behavior (eating, doing homework, cleaning room, whatever) as a punishment. What you would like is for them to want to do the activity. A better approach is to show how the downside derives from the negative activity, as in: "If you don't finish your homework in time, then we won't have time for a book."

Having said all this, I must say that we are blatant abusers of this quasi-rule. Arjun and Abhi discovered the 'existence' of Santa a week ago and I arrived home one day to a breathless Abhi telling me that Santa was going to bring him gifts that night (he was convinced that night was Christmas). Of course he also had heard about the tooth fairy and included that mythical gift-giver in the same sentence until I was thoroughly confused as well. This is especially moot since he is quite far from loosing his milk teeth and getting visits from the tooth fairy. As far as Santa is concerned, they also know that they are supposed to be "good" to get gifts and we have been using that threat ("Santa is not going to bring you gifts", etc) as a way to get some desired behavior. I cringe inwardly whenever I make these threats, but hey, sometimes you just want them to listen!

We got another "incentive" to dangle this weekend - Antibiotics! Both Arjun and Abhi started on Amoxycillin (dispensed as a pink suspension with bubble gum flavor) on Saturday and they both absolutely love the stuff. They get a tsp of the stuff twice a day and the way they lick the spoon clean you would think it is some kind of nectar or that they are starving. We have of course promptly resorted to "Well, if you want the 'pink medicine' you better eat your breakfast", etc. As babies both of them hated any kind of medicine and we had to pretty much hold their noses to prevent them from spitting it out. This was especially true for Arjun, but it all changed abruptly one winter day in Dec 2005. He was almost 2 years old and he had been prescribed antibiotics (the same 'pink medicine') for the very first time, for an ear infection. The first couple of doses were the same struggle - somebody restraining his arms and legs, somebody else holding his nose, a third person to pour the stuff into his mouth, with all of us covered in pink, sticky stuff. We wondered how we were going do this for 9 more days. He had been miserable for almost a week before he started on the antibiotics. However, after just after two doses he was much better and he just started loving the stuff. He realized that medicines could actually make him feel better and after that day we have never had to struggle with giving him medication. This is, btw, a truism of parenting - just when you are thinking there is no hope, things suddenly change for the better.

Speaking of Santa and other imaginary magical things, kids are not alone in believing in them. How often do we as adults console ourselves with the prospect of irrational promises coming true? A couplet by the Urdu poet, Mirza Ghalib, goes as follows:
"Humko maloom hai jannat ki haqeeqat kya hai, phir bhi,
Dil ko khush rakhne ko, Ghalib, ye khayal acha hai."
Loosely translated: "I know what the reality of heaven is, but even so, it is a great concept for giving you hope."